Brexit? No, you BrexTITS! BREMAIN!

In the past few weeks, I have had too many drunken rants and sobs over the current EU debate that is taking over the UK like the immigrants, chaotically running across our borders because it’s the best country in the world and they are selfish animals. For the sake of this article, I am going to refer to these monstrous, hateful, too-hardworking people as ‘expats,’ just for giggles. Because we all know that they are not expats, they are immigrants, and only true English citizens are awarded the honour of the term ‘expats.’ As if Brits could be immigrants. Madness.

I should probably stop with the sarcasm before all of the Brextits think that they have another one on their side! Not that they’d fully embrace me anyway, with my brown skin and all. I am British though, so some of them may accept me because we all know that to be accepted and (those that are capable of it) loved as an equal human being, you need a beating heart and a British passport.

God save our Queen? That’s all fine and well, but please God, save our moral standing too. I may have a British passport and I am very grateful for that blessing in a world filled with Trump-supporters and hatred. I still feel like an immigrant moving back after 15 years! I was an immigrant in Spain too, with my immigrant British friends, all living in the sun and eating tapas and celebrating the opening of a Waitrose as we practiced our Spanish. I didn’t see all the lovely Spanish people glare at me with hate, or put up signs encouraging hostility, or calling for change for fear that I will steal their jobs with my dirty, foreign hands. Oh, sorry, ‘expats’ as my British friends called themselves.

Looking back, I am appalled at the ignorance and hostility that underlines the Brexit arguments. People, and even some relatives close to me, turn their noses up at these expats (the bad kind, not the good kind) that have done nothing but try and make a better life for themselves. And who can blame them? We have the internet. We have planes. We are living in a globalized, international society which to some, exists only for the economic benefits it brings to them and disappears when it means that Sergio got chosen for that gardening job over our cousin, because he was willing to work later and spoke better English, init. ‘THEY TUK ARE YOBS’ we will yell in protest when our cousin can’t get smashed because Sergio stole his beer money to feed his family. Selfish bastard.

Guys, if you are one of these people swayed by these arguments that immigrants are having a negative impact on this country, I highly advise you turn on the TV and watch Benidorm, or Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents, or any one of those shows that show Brits enjoying themselves abroad (there are many.) Please get a 40 minute glimpse at what British people abroad are like and realise that that behaviour is not confined to that 40 minute show, or even the whole series, not even the Costa del Sol, but to Brits living overseas EVERYWHERE. You know the stereotypical red-skinned, beer-in-hand, suns-out-belly-out image you conjure up in your head out of nothingness? That image is not out of nowhere. It’s way too real. So many brits that live abroad do live like that, and maybe it’s because they can hide behind their British passports (oh wait, no they can’t, they’re slightly too drunk and fat) but for some reason far too many make no effort to learn the foreign language and expect to be spoken to in English! Maybe it’s because the foreign language is just that… foreign. Good thing they are too drunk on cheap foreign alcohol to realise that there, they are also foreign. So yes, turn on the TV (or make a quick trip to Barcelona whilst it’s still this easy) and then go and have a chat with Sergio down the road and you will soon realise that you’d rather have more in common with these immigrants than those expats.

Or maybe the term ‘expats’ is used for Brits because they too face hostility from crazed nationalists still living in the past set on our little island being a superpower, and they have disgraced our nation and no longer deserve the privilege of being in our little xenophobic community. Expats, like an ex-boyfriend or an ex-employee. ‘YOU DON’T EVEN GO HERE!’ Maybe, who knows at this point. If people keep behaving like this, they probably will tackle the overpopulation issue as they will simultaneously be stopping people from migrating whilst also disgusting non-racist, well-educated people and forcing them to flee. ‘More money for the few please, that’s all that matters. What are those migrants doing on that boat? They better get off it so I can sell it! No EU safety regulations either please, what about our profit?!’ Maybe it’s actually a really clever, well-thought out plan! Shame there won’t be enough doctors to save them when they run out of people to hate on and start attacking each other, or when they have a heart attack because they allow their food industry to get into the state America’s is in. Maybe they are right. Maybe we should build a Trumpesque-style wall around our island, though we might as well hire Sergio to do it because that’s effort.


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